Three years ago, I was losing my mind in anticipation [of the beginning of my previvor journey] and finding myself knee deep in houseplants and garden soil. The prior October, I'd received the 'green light' to go ahead with my preventive double mastectomies , DIEP flap reconstruction, and double salpingectomy. So from October - June, I was busy 'nesting,' testing, and preparing to let go of my breasties. Physically, mentally, emotionally, environmentally, financially... you get the idea.
Eight months of doing absolutely everything I could to prepare for the worst and the best of what was to come, knowing the only thing I knew was uncertainty.
I was working with the understanding that for the first time in my life, I'd be completely dependent upon someone else. If you know me, you can imagine how difficult this was for me. If you don't know me, here's a visual - 5'1 (180lb at the time!), redhead leo, 29 (almost 30) years old, raising my 10 year old alone, and always hustling and schooling to get it done. Sleep? No rest for the wicked, here. I absolutely did not know how to ask for help. Or sit still. Or sit back and watch others do my very basic routines for me. I had no concept of letting go of any sort of independence what-so-ever. It was not in my makeup. I didn't watch TV prior to having surgeries, either, although I'm happy to report I have since become an expert documentarian☺.
It was at this time in my life that I realized I had a lot of healing to do. I'd done for others in every way noone had done for me. I had never been alone and didn't know how to be alone. I had never recognized or acknowledged all the traumas - big or small - that impacted my every day life. You have them too! I decided to lean into the process and accept the support of those I had around me. It was 2020 and I was very cautious to remain well enough to pass my COVID test 3 times in 5 months so this didn't leave much room for human interaction anyway.
3 surgeries and 30 hours of anesthesia was rough but I came out better and stronger. By the time I had my surgeries, I'd lost 30 pounds of straight beer weight (puke) just by removing the kegerator from my basement. I began strength training, although not early enough, to build as much core and lower body strength as I could. And to prevent/avoid swelly belly, I gave up gluten but it took plenty of experimenting to get to that point. I used my full 12 weeks of FMLA and when I realized the stress of having to go back and forth to the office while trying to heal, do home schooling, and maintain my home life was just not worth it, I made a career shift.
Being at home more with much less stress provided the opportunity for my gardening hobby to grow and my cooking hobby to sizzle. Noticing a difference in the way I felt, I thought it was only up from here.
At 6'7, this man had just about all of it. While fighting deep, dark demons himself, he was the truest form of a gentleman to myself and my daughter. Unfortunately, it was April 14 when Josh got sick and later passed away on May 18, 2021. I visit him often and he plays our favorite songs in return. Josh was special and gave me gifts I'll never be able to describe with words but I'll always be sure to honor his life by holding myself true to everything he taught me. He taught me a lot about what it's like to be loved and the importance of loving yourself.
The next year, I'd spend trying to accept and process his loss with those gifts while figuring out how to make the best of my thirties. 2021-2022 was kind of a blur.
And then on this day one year ago, I embarked on a journey symbolically represented by this fantastic wine crafted by Danenberger Family Vineyard called Scars are Sexy. In the last year, I have learned so much about myself. Again, more gifts to be thankful for. I have learned that even though people may pretend to accept your scars, whether they are scars seen with the eyes or not, their actions and therefore their intentions may not match. The difference is, I now realize that's not my business.
